As you grow older you tend to stick around the younger lot. It’s exciting to be in a place where young energy, freshness of ideas, and fun flows in abundance. I found myself in one such company yesterday when shooting with a trio who collectively gave shape to www.mentorpolis.com. Extremely talented and passionate bunch, I enjoyed knowing each of them. It was fun knowing how their unique personalities blend in together so fittingly to accomplish together what they have set their eyes on.

Avijit, who has his feet set on ground, holds the forte with amazing reliability. It’s in his nature to help and guide others. Philosophical, philanthropic, thinker and a natural leader Avijit has a lot to give to MentorPolis. He also makes awesome chai that he willingly offers to his guests. Pratik follows his passion. Once he is passionate about something he puts in everything he has. He firmly believes in MentorPolis. He is the ‘zing flavor’ of the team who just makes things around interesting. Stylish, easy going, hardworking, artistic and a dreamer he brings in a lot in the team. Anshul is the ‘yellow color’ of the team. He is got positive vibe around him. Happy, eased out, balanced, resourceful, and inspiring he takes care of the technology front in MentorPolis. His clarity in thoughts and speech is definitely an advantage to the team and their project.

At the end of the day it was interesting to observe how their interview frames were framed suitably. Avijit’s frame was simple, neat looking, white wall and the chair. Anshul’s frame was warm and bright with a bright colored frame on the wall. And Pratik’s frame was mysterious and dreamy. It just turned out to be like that.

I also enjoyed working with Paul after a long time. I like the working rapport I share with him. I enjoy setting up blocks and frames with him – we try to do the best we can.

Yeah, one more shoot,  one more story – I got to move on. Maybe, I can borrow some energy, zest and life from a young bunch like MentorPolis. ( learn more about them at www.mentorpolis.com)

Climbing up a winding road

Passing through an old village

Admiring pillars well crafted

And old wooden staircases

Something in me felt connected

As if I was one of the pieces (ancient!)

Standing on the highest ground

Screaming on top of my voice

Throwing my arms far wide

Viewed around with my eyes moist

Snow peaked mountains and rivers

They are my world without a choice

Sitting in a café river side

Hands wrapped around a cup of tea

Thinking of those times folded

Of that season’s charm and beauty

Some connections in our hearts

Make spaces and stay pretty

Savoring the authentic local flavor

Pleasing the eyes with familiarity

The sound of crisp air makes music

Penetrating the soul utterly

Humanly it’s not possible to hold everything

Things do spill out in all our frailty

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18)
What a comfort these verses bring to me. I have been recovering from a surgery for appendicitis. Though it was a minor surgery the pain was intense. I saw stars, clouds and hazy figures moving before my eyes. All I could think was stinging pain and weakness in my body. So far this is the bitterest physical pain I have ever experienced. I thought of all the sick people I have visited: the bed sores, chemotherapy, c-section horrible pain. I must have tasted the smallest slice of that pain yet it was the worse so far. The simplest task of passing urine became the greatest struggle. After two days of my surgery I was talking to a friend. Feeling much better by then I said, “I think emotional pain far outweighs the physical pain”. My doctor said that I would recover fully within 10 to 20 days. A person who is emotionally hurting has no definite recovery time. My friend agreed, “Yes, emotional hurt has stronger impact on your life”.

I have been sick both physically and emotionally. Physically I am already recovering. I am even back to work. But emotionally I am not very sure if I am on my way to recovery or still under surgery. Every time I felt I am healed and have tried to move on my heart has fallen weak and tripped over every small thing. I still live my life out of hurt. I still carry the symptoms, cries and resistance of a hurting person. I still carry the sufferings from past. And I count it as the basis of my life – something to learn from, something to always remember, something to always refer to…. I have held it against God and against people.

I know I want to and I have many times decided to forget and start afresh but somewhere in my heart I am still living out on old ways of thinking. It is still challenging to be fully open and honest, positive, bold, selfless, humble, trusting, faithful, true, and simple. And in my constant effort to guard myself I end up more hurt, not just that, worst, others are hurt. Why do I always have to guard myself? Why do I want to run away from suffering? Isn’t it better to suffer for the sake of righteousness than to suffer as a result of denial and resistance?  After all our present suffering is nothing comparing to glory that God promises us.

Had I not been through that painful surgery I could have been physically dead. I need to confront the darkness of my heart, the emotional hurt I carry if I want to fully experience God’s healing. Just the way I tend to postpone hospital visits, I hate to face and deal with the infection I carry within. I just tell oh, it will go away on its own. I even tell my self oh I am healed and ready to move on after asking others to prayer for me. But I guess I haven’t really visited the surgery room with God…yes with God. I prefer to stand before God saying, here I come all cleansed because I shared with someone, because someone prayed for me but not as here I come with all the mess I have, help me and I am willing to co-operate with you…

I am convinced that God wants me to have emotional healing… and no longer suffer in vain or out of my rebelliousness but suffer for the sake of righteousness.

20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that[i] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. (Romans 8:20-21)

Many things I treasure
Chunks of stones and
Pieces of papers

Many things I run for
An identity of my own and
Control over everything

Many things I hold unto
Pride, ego and
Self preservation

When looked carefully inside
If there is anything real
Relationship is all I have

When stirred and shaken
If anything remains with me
Relationship is all I have

The only valuable thing I have
Is wonderful friendship with people and God.

A lot has happened from the time I blogged last. First of all I overcame the feeling of recieving weeds for sowing good seeds. I learnt that it was merely my feeling and personal view of the situation. Feelings cannot be standard for what is right and wrong. I learnt to trust in Jesus and never get weary of doing good no matter what the result is because the end result is not what we look for – the real end result is how well I have experienced God through out.

Well, last night I was leaning on the railings of our balcony and trying to feel the breeze while thinking about a phone call I had just ended. You know, I always had a deep desire to help young people who are growing up with many dreams and desires but maybe do not have a strong family support. I don’t want anyone to compromise or limit their dreams because they don’t have  support. When I was a teenager it was my deepest longing to have a strong support. I did receive a lot of help though they were small help I am so grateful to people who were kind to me. And above all God remained faithful and has brought me to a place where I always dreamt of being.  So I want to be there for young people who may be in similar desperate situation.

These days I am coming across many young girls who carry big big dreams in their hearts but are in difficult situation. They need emotional, spiritual, and financial support. They need wise guidance and encouragement. They need protection. Leaning on the railings, last night I felt this burning desire deep in my heart once again.

I wish I had a home where I can invite girls who need help. Like, the one about whom I just heard. She needs to get out of a situation, I wish I could just invite her to this home and tell her it is safe here, come. I wish I could get to know about their passion and dreams and thelp them develop it. I wish I could just send them back to school or to a training without having to think twice about how. I wish I could protect them before it is too late… before they harden their hearts… and become hardcore survivors of this world… I wish I could love them, and tell them about the greatest love we recieve from Jesus. I wish I could show them – God cares about their dreams more than they themselves do….

I really wish for a home – Not a big building somewhere outside the city in peaceful place like a perfect home with eveything organised… I would be happy to rent a small place where I can provide for the girls like my own family as long as they are not ready to support themselves. Meanwhile I would like to engage them and give them exposure to good books, inspiring movies and learning in small ways to help the poor and the needy.

Right now I live in a shared flat with friends. I don’t know how and when this will be possible. But I hope it does…

God!….

The way dry leaves become a boat,
for a struggling ant in a pond.
Words, help me!
The sinking of this heart I do not understand.
Can you describe it to me?
Words, please carry the weight for me.
Can you? Have you carried a load as heavy as this?
Pretty pretty words, tell me that this world has pretty pretty colours.
Persuade me to open my eyes to the promised rainbow.
Sew me a lilac frock so that I can dance carelessly.
Carry away this cloud from my heart,
in the flight of your pen for I wish to swirl lightly.
Why do I reap thorns when I sow roses?
Tell me the theory behind this truth.
Can you tell me in the coming season,
what seeds should I sow?
I wish I could tell you to record,
Of the good harvest at least from one patch of the land
But sadly you will have to carry the thorns
That I have gathered from all the lands I sowed
Pretty pretty words, tell me there is still,
some beauty in sowing good….

My phone rings at 3 AM much before my alarm could buzz. It’s our driver. He is on his way. I go back to sleep. Finally, my alarm buzzes at 3:30 AM – time to wake up. Hoping not to disturb my room-mate I walk back and forth like a shadow in my room searching for things. I take a quick shower but my face already is damp and sweaty. A hot morning- a bad news for me. Because I have to work outdoor today.
I manage to find a kurta thrown in with a pair of old jeans. I carry props, costumes, snacks and water bottles. My phone rings – the driver is here. I manage to carry my folders, cell phones along with different bags hanging from all sides of my arms and hands. I hop down the staircase. I feel the hot air on my face. Inside Bolero, I have the AC but somehow I never liked ACs in vehicles. I try to shut my eyes and have a little sleep before we pick up my Talent. But the driver is in a chatting mood. He must have had his early morning tea or coffee. I try to respond but in very brief sentences. We pass half an hour in a lousy chat before we arrive to pick up the Talent (actor who is portraying the main protagonist of my story).
I ring her up and wait for the gate to open. Here she comes along with her mom. Her mom tells me to feed her well and I give her a warm and faithful smile. My talent gets in the car and I can see that she is very excited about the shoot today. We pick up rest of the crew – camera person, field assistant and another new assistant who is here to learn the job. At 6 AM, we reach the location. It makes me happy that we can start rolling early.
It’s a small village about 2 hours drive from Delhi. I had first come here expecting green fields and nice clean mud houses but all that I found was dry open space with no trees and no greenery and in one rocky corner small huts assembled.
I meet my local contact, a woman who is so kind to me. Almost butterly she says, “What service can I offer you, madam?” I need a place where my talent can dress up. She takes us to a cow shed. We stoop down and enter inside. This one has walls only in two sides the rest is open. We go back to another shack, it’s pitch dark inside. Then we walk to her house. It is the best that she can offer us. So we settle our bags around her single room house and chase her kids outside.
When my talent comes out of the house draped in a simple saree, hair pulled back and a sullen eye make up –I can hardly believe it’s the same girl who minutes back was a leggy lass with tight jeans and t-shirt. In that moment I forget about the heat and the huge crowd that’s following us disrupting our work sometimes. I am ready to work. We begin to shoot our first scene. It goes very well. A good start of the day.
By the time, we finish couple of scenes I can see my crew members sweating like pigs. I ask for face tissues and dry my talent’s face who is sweating profusely down her neck. Her cheeks gone red. I pity her. I send her back to the car and ask the driver to run the AC. Meanwhile I discuss next scene and location with the crew. In the middle of our discussion, every now and then we wipe our sweating face. We decide to move to the exact location and compose the frame. Camera person and the assistant immediately proceed. I am left with three reflectors and I look for the new assistant for help. He is not there. When I make a noise, the driver comes and tells me that he is sitting inside the car with the talent inhaling cool AC air. What? I laugh. I rush to the car and ask him, ‘What are you doing here?” with a huge Q on my face. Poor guy-he slowly gets off the car, wrinkles his face and says, “It’s quite challenging”. I had warned him of the heat. So he came well prepared with shades and shorts but I guess it wasn’t enough preparation.
We finish shooting rest of the scenes. By this time, water bottles are empty. Snacks are over and we are hungry. And the noon sun is burning us. At last, our talent is spared of the ordeal of changing costume and make up. Our last scene: My talent is draped in saree and a pair of chappals. She holds a toddler with one hand around her waist. A small boy and a girl hold her another hand and as a family who lost their pillar of strength, the husband and the father – they emerge as survivors as they walk towards the camera in a narrow street.
Pack up time. I know who is the happiest at this time – our new assistant. We drive back to Delhi to do couple of more scenes in my flat. My crew works so hard to set up the light. I finish giving my talent direction and fishhhh… goes the light off. Again, we sweat and wait for the electricity to come. A glass of cool coke doesn’t help much. Then we try to do something in natural light. We need reflectors – so I send the new assistant to run down and get it from the vehicle. When he goes down, I learn that the vehicle is locked and the driver forgot the keys inside. Well in this terrible heat, that’s the last thing I would want my crew to do – to try to open the vehicle.  But the new assistant suddenly is very energized. He takes couple of tools from my flat tries all tricks to roll down the window glass. Lo and behold! he does open it in about twenty minutes. Am I not glad that he is part of my crew today? Of course I am. It’s another thing that the moment we start rolling in natural light electricity comes back and we move back to our original frame with lighting and all.
We finish all planned work for the day. By the time, lunch arrives on our table it is about 3:30 PM. It is the most sumptuous meal. Since I got the first pick up in the morning, I get the first drop. I reach home at 5 PM, take a nice leisure shower and get ready to sleep. Jut then my flat mate walked in and is in a mood to chat. And I try to respond to her in brief sentences. But my eyes literally shutting down, my head is spinning and I can’t sit straight in that dinning chair. So I tell her, excuse me, and sneak off to my bed for a good sleep.
So this is a day at work.

Wake up from your deep sleep
Enough of curling up inside
It’s time to unfurl to the call of your master
He wants to take you on His wings
To take a flight of liberty
Racing with the winds
And hovering over your mess
To have a taste of real security

Nursing the wounds and treasuring it
Will only delay the healing inside
It’s time to welcome the morning sun
And to forget a night so stormy
To strike out with all that’s there
To co-create with God
Things of the kingdom and eternity

Wake up! Wake up my soul from your slumber
lest you miss out on all the action!

Coming through a broken engagement

You are sleeping, sobbing and confined to your room. You are looking at your engagement ring, pictures and tearing some of them into pieces. You reach for a new tissue role, wipe your tears or was it running nose, whatever, and toss the tissue ball among hundreds of them around you. Well, let me tell you I understand. I have been there and done that. You feel like dying. You feel like there is no hope for you. You feel totally rejected and abandoned. You feel angry and helpless. I know exactly how you feel.
My own engagement died a real slow death. It was month of November or December. It began dying long before it took the last breath. I remember that night. After saying final goodbyes online, I walked home. It was late at night. Street was dark and empty. I could hear the dogs howling in far distant. I walked as if my legs were numb. I could hardly feel the ground. I kept breathing in deeply. I held my arms around so tight as if to contain everything inside my chest. I don’t remember how long it took me to reach home but once I was there – I just had to lock the door – the minute I did, everything spilled on the floor. Tears, running nose, tissue roles, pictures, gifts, and of course my self prostrate on the floor.
If he had truly loved you for who you are, he would have never done anything to hurt you or to hurt the relationship.
In my case, I pulled off the strings first and said, enough! Let’s put it to end. Still, I felt the sting of rejection. I knew if he had loved me enough, he would have never done anything to hurt me. Today, years later, I feel that break up was a turning point of my life. My life completely changed after that. I changed for better. I went for better things in life. I discovered a new strength and ability in me. Yes, there were times when I whished I could go back but that was only during first one or two years. I think I became more myself after that.
Some times things happen for good reasons. No matter how wrong he might have been, I am sure pain was his share too. It is no use for us to play blame game. We just need to embrace the reality and move on with our lives. It is best that you never get in touch until you are completely over it. It was very helpful to me that the person was in another country and our communication came to a full stop. You may seek comfort in trying to talk to them but it will be even more painful trying to put up an act.
Why regret for someone who really didn’t want to go for things same as you. If his priorities have changed, if his values have changed, what’s the use of even wishing that things would somehow work out? Yes, it is unfortunate that his eyes should open only after having walked half the road. It is unfortunate that he was clueless of what he was getting into when he offered that shining ring. It is unfortunate but it is not the end of the world. You have a whole life ahead of you – life of love and happiness.

From experiences of my own and that of my friends this is the type of person who breaks your heart:

Type One: He is driven by his own dreams idyllic life. Having a woman, a family and home. He is passionate about his dreams and desires. This man can replace you any minute he finds someone better. Because he is going for his dreams – not for you.

Type Two:  He has nothing else happening in his life so he thinks better get engaged to the girl he is dating. A jobless, aimless man is looking out for opportunities to be somewhere – and the minute he sees that opportunity he will abandon you.

Type Three: He can be easily convinced. He does everything that you say. He shrinks when his mother calls up. This man is controlled and emotionally manipulated. Basically, he doesn’t have his own brain. No matter how good he makes you feel, he could easily shift his loyalties.

Type Four: He is confused most of the time. He wants to do this and that and everything. He is a dangerous man. Suddenly he may get confused about the relationship – Send this man for a meditation to sort out himself.

Type Five:  He always says first I will find a good job, and then he says first I will save some money, and then he says first I will buy a house, and again he says first let me reach this position – you know this man is wasting your youthful age. He is making you grow old on promises– run away from him as far as you can.