I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18)
What a comfort these verses bring to me. I have been recovering from a surgery for appendicitis. Though it was a minor surgery the pain was intense. I saw stars, clouds and hazy figures moving before my eyes. All I could think was stinging pain and weakness in my body. So far this is the bitterest physical pain I have ever experienced. I thought of all the sick people I have visited: the bed sores, chemotherapy, c-section horrible pain. I must have tasted the smallest slice of that pain yet it was the worse so far. The simplest task of passing urine became the greatest struggle. After two days of my surgery I was talking to a friend. Feeling much better by then I said, “I think emotional pain far outweighs the physical pain”. My doctor said that I would recover fully within 10 to 20 days. A person who is emotionally hurting has no definite recovery time. My friend agreed, “Yes, emotional hurt has stronger impact on your life”.

I have been sick both physically and emotionally. Physically I am already recovering. I am even back to work. But emotionally I am not very sure if I am on my way to recovery or still under surgery. Every time I felt I am healed and have tried to move on my heart has fallen weak and tripped over every small thing. I still live my life out of hurt. I still carry the symptoms, cries and resistance of a hurting person. I still carry the sufferings from past. And I count it as the basis of my life – something to learn from, something to always remember, something to always refer to…. I have held it against God and against people.

I know I want to and I have many times decided to forget and start afresh but somewhere in my heart I am still living out on old ways of thinking. It is still challenging to be fully open and honest, positive, bold, selfless, humble, trusting, faithful, true, and simple. And in my constant effort to guard myself I end up more hurt, not just that, worst, others are hurt. Why do I always have to guard myself? Why do I want to run away from suffering? Isn’t it better to suffer for the sake of righteousness than to suffer as a result of denial and resistance?  After all our present suffering is nothing comparing to glory that God promises us.

Had I not been through that painful surgery I could have been physically dead. I need to confront the darkness of my heart, the emotional hurt I carry if I want to fully experience God’s healing. Just the way I tend to postpone hospital visits, I hate to face and deal with the infection I carry within. I just tell oh, it will go away on its own. I even tell my self oh I am healed and ready to move on after asking others to prayer for me. But I guess I haven’t really visited the surgery room with God…yes with God. I prefer to stand before God saying, here I come all cleansed because I shared with someone, because someone prayed for me but not as here I come with all the mess I have, help me and I am willing to co-operate with you…

I am convinced that God wants me to have emotional healing… and no longer suffer in vain or out of my rebelliousness but suffer for the sake of righteousness.

20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that[i] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. (Romans 8:20-21)