It is 11:45 PM. I had changed into my night wear, switched off the light, pursed between the sheets, set morning alarm and was ready to retire from a busy day. But it was one of those melancholy nights when my thoughts don’t let me alone. They knock my head so hard that I can’t control warm tears from flowing. What got me tonight was my love and hate feelings for my family members. Sometimes I wonder how others feel about their mom-dad, brothers and sisters. How do they deal with the disappointments, hurts and expectations in family relationships? My own feelings for my family make me feel sick. I love and hate them both at the same time.
I am personally in a good place. I lead a normal life – job, friends, community, and a decent living. But when I look at my family members I feel like a loser. I feel miserable that they are so messed up. I don’t know how happy or sad they are in their respective lives, I can no longer distinguish between genuine or made up reply, but when I look at them I feel tragic. They never have enough. They are never settled down, neither financially or at heart. They seem to be in a wrong place, on a wrong time making wrong choices. They seem to be searching for something but never finding it. In past 12 years, I have seen them growing only desperate never content and fulfilled. In all that years I have tried many times to help them help themselves. But I have ended more hurt and disappointed. I tried many tactics to see changes in them and in their situation, from controlling to completely disconnecting. Nothing improved. I thought maybe I can spare my self from unnecessary pain if I can emotionally detach myself. But that hasn’t helped me either. I again feel so guilty.
The pain I feel when I look at the failures of my family members is deep, very deep. It gives me sleepless nights. I can’t enjoy the blessings God has given me without feeling guilty or ashamed. I have two voices inside me. One that says, ‘you can’t help your family come to a good place by always giving them or providing for them. They will never be happy and content no matter how much you give them. Because what they need, money can never buy. They need to find happiness and fulfillment inside them. They need to appreciate life now instead of always chasing a high dream. I can’t make that choice for them. They need to find it.’ And there is another voice in me, ‘It is your duty to help your family without any expectation. You have to sacrifice until you see each of them happy and content. If you can’t bring them to a good place of happiness, your life is a waste. You are a hypocrite who ignores needs in her own house but goes to the street distributing free gifts to strangers.’ But, says the first voice in me, ‘your life is your own. You have freedom to have other meaningful relationships, so what your relationship with your family is strained. You have other people in your life, celebrate them and enjoy them”. The second voice in me says, “Loser. You couldn’t win your own family. Of course they are in your life for a purpose. Serve them.”

I am tired of hearing these voices inside me. I am tired of praying for my family to make right choices. I am extremely sad that they are suffering. Yet I find myself totally helpless in being of any help to them. When I try to help them, when I get involved in their situations I feel even more miserable because they never fully listen. They give up too early and go their own way, do their own thing. If I don’t help again I feel miserable. I feel like a biggest loser in the world who talks about standing for rights of other people, being voice of the needy yet can’t help her own family.
I wish my mom would stop traveling from one place to another in search of something that she thinks will make her life like heaven on earth. I wish she accepts her self as she is and accepts the reality of life. I wish she finds happiness in doing simple things. I wish my sister realizes that a relationship can give you only as much as you can give in a relationship. I wish she values motherhood and be everything she can be for her son who needs her at this very crucial moment. I wish my brother knows how much God loves him. I wish he stops chasing dreams in cloud 9 and finds joy in small things of everyday life. I wish he would not throw his present reality like garbage in exchange of a dreamy future that does not exist. I wish my younger sister would see everyone else in the family and learn from their mistakes. I wish she could let go of her miserable past and give her self to Jesus fully so that he can paint her present so beautiful. I wish she realizes God’s love that has placed her where she is today. I wish she was more grateful to God and friends in her life who care for her.
They all think their problem is – money, the lack of it. I wish solution to all their life’s problem was money. I would have gone to the extent of selling my self to the slavery in order to see each of them redeemed from their problems but I know that’s not what they really need. What they really need is God, his love and wisdom.
When they desperately cry on phone, it breaks my heart. When I hear that they have been kicked out of their jobs, it breaks my heart. When I hear they are sick but cannot treat themselves, it breaks my heart. When I hear that they were insulted for their stupidity, it breaks my heart. When their relationships don’t work, it breaks my heart. When I see them desperate – purposeless – wandering o my God, it breaks my heart into thousand pieces.  I know I love them. I love each of them so deeply. I long to see them happy and sorted.
Finally, am I guilty? Or am I free of guilt? I don’t really know.
Just another tearful night thinking about my family…
Next day in the morning————————
———- When I woke up this morning, the heaviness of my heart had gone away with the thick darkness of the night. I was feeling as fresh as the cool morning. I am so glad after every dark night comes a bright morning. I hurry up to face a new day with confidence and hope…