On my blog the most viewed post is – Having a crush. Going by the stats, I feel I have definitely not done justice to the topic. It was a random rambling when I wrote it and at the time I had just come out of a miserable crush myself. Now I am inspired to dwell on the topic a little more. : )

If I have to be real honest I think my first crush goes way back to high school, my Sanskrit teacher. He was youngest of all the teachers and had a good sense of dressing. Silently I admired him but thankfully never dared enough to do anything stupid – cuz I felt there were many other pretty older girls from higher classes who too were mesmerized by his charm. I remember my best friend and classmate also had crush on him. She was a dare devil. One day during lunch time I told my friend about how I liked eating herbs that my mom used to have as medicinal. She too wanted to try. So, I took out from my lunch box the herbs that I had stolen from mom. After lunch, it was Sanskrit period. When Sanskrit sir walked into our class, my friend began to act weird. She acted as if drunk. I knew she wasn’t but she really acted well. When sir saw her dozing on her book, he walked up to her and asked her to stand up. She stood up swaying like a bamboo and while the whole class was gazing at them she rested her head on Sir’s chest so comfortably… and the whole class went ohhhhhhhh!!!!! Later, I was thrashed by the same teacher for intoxicating my friend. I think that was the end of my feelings for him.

One of the funniest and craziest crush that I had was during my first job. I was about 18. As a social worker I was based in a remote village with a scanty population. The only people I could relate and socialize were people working in banks or schools and had come from outside the village. And there was a bank manager. He was very tall. There was some sort of charm in the way he took long strides every morning from his residence to the bank. (Reminds me of Mallika Sherawat’s comment for Amitabh Bachhan in the way he runs in movies) Our communication was limited to my bank transactions, picking up my daily paper or brief greetings. I am not the kind who bumps into men or flirts around. So I didn’t know how to handle my crush. I remember getting up early in the morning no matter how sleepy I was, just to pretend that I enjoyed my cup of tea sitting in my varanda and looking out – while the bank manager went for his morning walks up in the winding road. I played badminton with small kids while asking the kids to persuade him to come and join us. One evening I fixed dinner with great interest and care but never had enough guts to invite him. I used to play my cassette player, place right beside the open window so that he too could hear the same songs. Many evenings I went on walks just incase I meet him and exchange that brief smile and hello. I was nuts. At the end of two years in the same job, when I was leaving I sold all my furniture in less than half of the price to the same bank manager – just for the sake of crush. Crazy. I think he did have some inkling about how I felt; just before I left he told me that he is engaged. I wasn’t sad leaving that place because it was a mere crush not love. But I think I enjoyed having crush on him.

The most painful crush I had was very recently. About 2 or 3 years back. It was bit serious one because it was a crush as an adult and grown up. This time, I didn’t fall for great physique or charm – I don’t think he had any of those. It was emotional and spiritual infatuation. I don’t know why, I felt that the person was so into me. And the more I observed him, the more I felt drawn towards him. I think again I did some stupid things which you tend to not realize when you have crush on people. For me, again I never learnt to flirt or joke about how you feel about people. So this time also I didn’t know how to handle my crush so I began to act weird. I would be so nervous whenever he was there. I tried to avoid him. I acted as if I hated him. Well, I got so confused inside. It was driving me crazy. So I decided to end it by confronting my own feelings. I went up to him, told him how I felt and asked what he thought about it. It was a very difficult thing to do but I did it anyway cuz I didn’t want to play this game anymore. Well, I did get his response and it was crystal clear to me that I had been completely blinded. Of course it broke my heart but I thanked my self of dealing with my crush before it became hard to overcome. The worst thing was – working in the same place I had to face him everyday.

After going through all this in the past – I don’t think I will ever have a crush again. And I would not like to not the kinds that go into your head and spirit. And I am happy that today I stand on the other side of it – feels so relieving.