These days I am becoming more observant of one thing: Before we arrive to make a big decision, a big choice in our lives, we have already made many small choice and small decisions that have led us to this big decision. So, it’s the small choices and decisions that we make everyday that direct us to what we will choose when “The Moment” to make a big decision comes. We can never say, oh it was so sudden that I couldn’t help. We can never say, I had very little time to think or it was so spontaneous. How we react spontaneously is as a result of our dwelling on the thought everyday. It has helped me to understand others better. If I breakout in anger I know it was not on the spur of the moment- but it was outburst of piled up stuff from who knows days or months. If I suddenly hurl hurtful stuff on someone over a trifle thing, you know it’s not about just what happened there but as a result of dwelling on negative thoughts for sometime. Even before one sends a sms, he/she has gone through small decisions in his/her heart. As I tried to understand it deeper I began to see even bigger truth, something I shudder to even contemplate but can not escape.
When I listen to people – I am more interested in hearing their childhood stories, stories of growing up, fondest memories of younger days… I think those are the times that shape a person depending on how they choose to respond which you eventually understand by the way they take stands in their present life. Our life has direct bearing of the gaps we have in our lives. All of us have gaps in our lives; some of us have small manageable gaps some of us have huge, huge gaps. These gaps are nothing but two things, first, loss of intimacy and second, loss of being in touch with our self – our desires, our passions, our dreams and our vision of our destiny. People who have been unfortunate with their family relationships (cases like divorce in family, death of one parent, strained relationship with siblings etc) have a huge gap – a void in their heart – a desperate longing for intimacy. People who have been greatly discouraged, criticized, bullied, doubted in young age lose intimacy with themselves – with their desires, passions and dreams. And they have a deep-deep longing for approval and acceptance.
In us we have insatiable hunger for intimacy, and the desire creeps in every time it sees any possibility for intimacy. And one has to constantly deal with this longing. A couple once told me, we can be like your parents but we can never be your parents. True. A person who has never exchanged deepest emotions with anyone, never felt belonged, wanted, protected, cared, nurtured, rooted and valued – feels a huge gap – that has direct effect in his/her life. I have met so many people with such big gaps in their lives – and the most tragic thing is – we can’t really fill this gap. Addiction, success, boyfriend, girlfriend, marriage, religion, spirituality, whatever you try nothing can really fill this gap. That way life is quite unfair. It is unfair. There is nothing we can do about it. I mean people say if you believe in Jesus Christ, know him as your father (if you don’t have father) as mother ( if you don’t have mother) so on then he will fill that void and you no longer have to struggle with that longing of intimacy because God is all that you need. I have had first hand experience – I don’t think so. Those gaps never go away. Yes, experiencing God’s love is redeeming and eases out the pain but the longing for intimacy doesn’t totally go away. Your heart still bends towards a loving word from a mother figure, a loving gesture from a father figure and so on. Intimacy with God is not like intimacy with family. That’s why God has heart for orphans and says that he will put them in a family. Though they don’t have their biological parents God will give them parental relationship. If he didn’t consider it important why would he promise to put an orphan in a family?
Life is not always fair. Just look around – you will see the most deserving people deprived and the most un-deserving ones having it all. I mean unfair, unjust is part of this broken world that we live in. Some have too much, some have it little and some do not have it at all whether it is wealth or love. I have come to accept: that because of these huge gaps in our lives we will see our longing for intimacy creeping out, we will see its effect (insecurity, feelings of rejection, fear, easily hurt, loneliness etc) in our lives but we don’t have to live in denial nor do we have to try to find remedies. There are no remedies. We just need to accept it – our past and things that happened to us are beyond our ability to control – what we can have control is to not brood over it and learn to live with it.
The only hope we have for ourselves is the eternal life that Jesus Christ has promised us. On that day, God will restore to us everything that we have lost. The fact that actually we will never ever die, instead we will have another chance on life to live a perfect life is a hope I would like to live on. As for people who have lost intimacy with themselves I cannot write much because I have always been in touch with myself. I have always known my desires and dreams. One thing I can say: losing your desires and dreams is like suicide. Wake up to it and find your dream – give a damn to what people say or think of you –if you have passion and believe in your self – go for it. Free your self from the self –created cage of ‘what others will think’ and walk into greater freedom and space.
